Sunday, 2 June 2013

Do I Have A Future?

Hello my lovelies it has been so long.. I apologise  So i have so much to tell so lets get started :D. So after i last updated you things have been good and bad. I have been working really hard on my dancing and have won the north leinsters and placed 6th in the all Irelands  i am so proud of myself for achieving that. And i cant wait to get my costume soon also. Thats pretty mush all i have been doing and just spending time with my friends and boyfriend and family. When there is good things happening to me something bad always goes wrong and yes it has. So let me tell you.

It started again just before Christmas i was experiencing some back pain in the lower left side of my back. Me and my sister went over to a and e in portlaoise. They did a scan and bloods and the scan was normal but they said my bloods had a high inflammation level. i got told that i probably pulled a muscle. so i went on my life as normal although the pain was there for a week or two. Everything seemed to be fine with me i was starting to enjooy my life and could not wait for Christmas it was my godsons first proper Christmas and did i spoil him lol. After Christmas  was due my usually scan it was around late January  i wasn't nervous i actually felt good and hoped this would be clear too, but was i wrong. Early February i got my results and i wasn't expecting this.

I got told i had a large tumour in my lower back beside my kidney where i had the pain before. And a spot on my lung but they didn't know if it was cancer and fluid in my stomach. I just remember screaming crying sayin why me why me. Why does this keep happening you said it was gone it should be gone and never come back. This is my second time to relapse. Why was this happening to me its not fair i thought this was over. I had to start treatment straight away the next week so that the next Monday i had to go get a pic line in my arm, its an easy way to get chemo in me and it would stay for the length of my treatment. It wasn't bad getting in but i didn't like it being there because you had to wrap it up it couldn't get wet. Treatment started that Wednesday and i was on a high dose of chemo called folfuri and another drug called panatunamab. They work great at killing cancer i was told as mine was aggressive. :( The side effects to the chemo were diarrhoea and a rash from the other drug. The rash didnt start till my third treatment but the diarrhoea started the end of my first one and by god was it bad. i was never off the toilet and i was losing loads of weight and i just put it back on from being 6 and a half stone i was nearly seven before i started and i was dropping down to my previous weight quick. I didn't like the rash it was an acne rash but the spots wern't like normal spots they were just red and sore and my skin was so dry and itchy. I had to use special aveeno cream and body wash. But they didn't help. 

By my third treatment i had been in with a different nurse who told me i had spots on my hip and all over my pelvic bone and i would have to start a bone strengthener which had know known side effects. I was in shock why wasn't i told this at the start but my normal doc told me he isnt hear to tell me every small place there is a spot he is here to kill the large tumour and he will. He apologise i know he didn't mean know harm. Treatment wasn't so bad at the start apart from the diarrhoea and rash i had no pain and was able to keep dancing and all which is my dream. But as time went on i started to get real bad back pain and would be bed bound for a week after treatment. I was put on morphine tablets and all but they made me and still do make me feel weird and hallucinate. I don't like it. So i only take them when im real bad. I hate been in pain as i miss a week of dancing and i hate that its my life. And to this day a lot of people cant get over how i still dance. But i do it makes me happy and forget all that's happening to me.

I have just passed my 3 month mark of treatment and i had a scan and the tumour shrunk a bit but the rest is the same. There happy as they said it shouldn't have worked so quick. So that's a plus some good news. I have had to get my chemo reduced as the diarrhoea is so bad i cant leave the house sometimes but its settling down. The other drug i haven't got in a while as my skin had got bad but i don't mind not getting it as im a girl and i hate spots lol. But my da always says 'If there is no side effects then it wudnt be working'. I just recently got the port in and the pic put as i didn't like the pic, i cudnt swim or do nothing where as the port is under my skin and not that noticeable  Now that hurt going in and i had to be sedated a lot as i was crying.

I just recently had a chance to be on Midlands 103 again to tell my story which was amazing and i also am going to be in the Sun i hope lol. I dont know yet but i have been told i am so i don't know. I had a lovely women come out and take pictures and i felt like a model lol it was so fun. I cant wait for it to come out as i want people to know about bowel cancer more. Its not mentioned a lot. And all that is thanks to my sister Emma  My grandad got the all clear he is free and im so happy he deserves it. I miss pascal everyday and continue to talk to him and i know he is protecting me and so is robbie. I still dance and have a few feise's coming up and i hope to do well. I also moved up a grade which is good i am now a manghrad dancer. No easy steps any more :D I started a youtube channel doing beauty and fashion videos. Its lisabracken12. If you want to see it. It really helps me be happy and do what i love :D Im also going to Lourdes august so lets hope it works its magic. My brother is having a baby also so there is a lot of exciting stuff happening.

Thats basically what has been happening and i dont know what the future will hold. I just so hurt over this i dont deserve to fight this at all let alone 3 times. But i know god gave me this battle because im a fighter. I hate putting my family through this again but they are so good to me and are helpful, even when i do snap because of this stupid menopause i hate it. But its not my fault. My doctor told me i cant have surgery as it is just impossible to remove it. I dont know if thats because its so aggressive or just where it is. So that scares me but he told me if this chemo doesn't work we will try another one and another... Until maybe there's noting they can do which i pray it wont come to that. I dont want to die i have a lot to do and give on this earth. Lisa Bracken is not going to let this take her. 

I hope i have a future i want one of course. Im not saying im dying i just dont ever want to especially not from this c***t cancer. My boyfriend is hoping to get a house and i hope to move up someday. I have been talking a lot to my parents about adoption and i hope someday i can give a child a great life. I just want to live my life and for this to be the end i have been doing this since i was 16 and im just sick of it. If it goes and comes back again i don't know how ill cope as you can only have so much strength. And iv gave a lot of it lol. So i pray everyday this is the end. A few more months of treatment and that's me. But for now i can only dream. Dream to have a family one day, dream to one day win the worlds, and dream to kick cancers ass for good :D