Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Whats going on now

So its been sometime since i have filled all u in so here its is. Its now 6 months since my operation. A few things have happened i have got my bag taking off there in august which i was so happy about.. I have been suffering ever since doh, I'm constantly on the toilet and i have lost some weight. I had put up weight prier to the reversal but sadly dropped to 6 stone.. ATM i dunno what i weight but cant be too much.

Unfortunitly I have been left with a big dint and scar in my side and i know its the least of my worries but Come on im a girl so sensitive about my body now and am struggling to cope. My boyfriend still love me for who i am and how i look but its hard to take it in. Apart from been on the toilet not a few good things and bad things have happened. My godson is finally crawling and talking a being a mad happy baby and i love him so so much. Me and kearney are still together getting on brilliant, I cudnt ask for a better boyfriend, we will be together 2 years in after December  He has been so good to me and helpful along with my whole family and friends. I have been still dancing have won lots of trophies and medals and have north leinsters in 3 weeks.. Super excited and hope to do well also. I started doing Avon to keep me busy and have also been doing YouTube to keep me busy as i cant do much with work wise. A lot of people will probably laugh and be like your weird but its for fun. I just talk about makeup hair all girlie stuff sing and also do tag videos and its a great way to interact with people. So them few things are keeping my mind at ease.. 

I'm still finding it hard to cope with it all because i never wanted this to happen. Kids for me is not  an option to experience birth in that way. It hurts to know if i am with Kearney forever well i hope and we want kids i cant do that and i feel like a loser and a let down. He always reassures me that it will be okay. Adoption and fostering is an option for me but at the moment i don't want to because i want my own baby i made. I know im still young but im longing for one knowing i cant have a baby... WEIRD i know...!! 

Other than that the worst possibly thing has happened in the last 2 months. My uncle by marriage sadly passed away from Bowel Cancer. He was quite young and shudnt of went. GOD ALWAYS TAKES THE BEST, a quote that is so true. I miss him everyday and i cant only imagine what mu auntie and cousins are going through. I know there strong and they have so much support. I hate how everyone i love is been taking away from me and it happened so quick. I love him dearly and miss him so much and he knows as im always talking to him and i know he is protecting me and not going to let anything happen to me... Hes my angel aswell as many others.. I love you dearly Pakie and you will never be forgotten. R.I.P. 

Apart from trying to cope with Pakie gone which is so hard as we were eachothers rock my auntie on my mums side has lung cancer. Although i was told mine was not in my family gene and it was pure back luck, a coincidence how she has it and it does not make sense. She is getting treatment and is tired but she will get there.. As they say TIME IS THE BEST HEALER, a quote i have been living bye for 3 years. Other than that there is not much to tell... I am in remission i will never get over what my life has been and what has been taking from me but only live with the fact and cry it out and know that its not my time to go yet. I don't think Pakie and Robbie want me up there quite yet.. Isn't that right guys :D 

I can only move forward in life and face the obstacles to come.. As long as i have Kearney, my family, friends the amazing support and my beautiful godson, I THINK ILL DO JUST FINE :D. 
For now that's whats life has been like.. I will post again soon but for now thanks so much for reading i appreciate it.. Please spread this around because i believe it can help a lot of people... 


      LISA XX

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

My operation and recovery

The operation and recovery

So its been 8 weeks since my operation. Yes i no time is flying bye. So let me take you back to what i remember and how i have felt through it and how i feel now.

On the 20Th of May i was admitted into Basingstoke hospital. They did the usual bloods, ECG etc. I had to drink a drink called picolax to clear me out for the operation. I was okay that day as it had not really sank in. The next day i woke up and as usual more bloods and scans and more of that horrible drink. It  hadn't sunk in yet that in 24 hours i will be going for a major operation. My mam and dad had came over from there apartment to me and keeping me company. I had spoke to the anesthesiology doctor and lots more about what would be happening to me the next day. They day was starting to draw to a close and i remember my niece Katelyn rang me and said to me i don't want you to be sick Lisa i will get my teacher to pray for you. That just broke my heart i cried so hard but on the other hand didn't want to upset my parents. I could not even say goodbye to my brother i was that badly crying. About 9 or so mam and dad left to go to bed as i had a n early start the next morning. I checked Facebook and seen all the comments saying good luck etc, that made me worse and then i got to talk to my boyfriend Christopher. I broke down to him and he reasurred me i will be fine. So i heading to sleep well saying that i didn't really sleep at all. 

The 22ND of May the operation day. Early start mam and dad were over at half five. Mam helped shower me as i couldn't really stand i was that sore. Time dragged on. Half seven came and as the nurse said you ready to walk down, we made our way down slowly. That had to be the most hardest scariest moment in my life. We got as far as the door and it was time to say goodbye. I looked at mam and dad and they broke down so i gave them a quick hug and went on as i was upset. I went into the anesthesia room and was put on the bed. He put a needle in my arm went through the form. Hooked me up to blood pressure etc. The last thing i remember was him saying Lisa im going to give you something to relax you and that was it. I was knocked out and in there care now to get rid of this terrible disease. The operation was 10 hours or more.

Three days passed and i woke up for a few minutes. I could hear all the nurses talking around me saying stuff about a bag on me and all and then i new they gave me a colostomy bag my worst fear in the world. I didn't know much about what they took or how it went as i was still half asleep. My mam and dad came in that evening and i heard dad saying we have to tell her about the bag she didn't want this and i new he was tearing up, I just turned around and said i already know holding back the tears. I told my mam and dad to go back home and relax as all i wanted to do was sleep. The first week is really a blur, there are a few things i remember like them pulling the epidural out, the drains out of my side out which was the worst feeling ever, doctors coming in and out asking questions and all,the nurses washing me and helping me out of bed, small things like that.

As the second week came i was brought to theater again to get new needles in my neck and the old ones out. I finally got off the oxygen and was getting out of the bed more got the tube out of my nose and other tubes out. I also was awake more and was taking oral tabs also so i was making good progress. My nurse Vicky was quite worried bout me as i had broke down to her during the week also about it all and how my belly looks and the bag etc. I was faded to noting i had lost so much weight i scared myself. Vicky said i wouldn't smile or make eye contact with anyone not even my parents. But what do you expect after what i went through. I eventually got the courage to start doing the bag myself which i hate so much and walking out of the room. The day my brother and his husband came over was the first time i smiled in 2 weeks i really loved them being there meant so much to me. I talked to my boyfriend for the first time that week also which was amazing.

I finally started to wonder about how the operation went even though i was told went great but what they had to take from me. I wish that day never came. I was told they took my ovaries, womb, Fallopian tubes, cervix, fatty tissue when they opened me, a bit of my small and large, yes i know that's a lot and the consequences that come with it are worse. I can never have my own family which tears me up everyday seeing how happy everyone is with there little families, although i know there's other options but for now its hard to deal with, im also going through the menopause which is wrong for anybody to go through at my age and im on hormone replacement tablets for the rest of my life. I have been hit with so much bad and upsetting news it so hard to deal with. I know things will just get better but at the moment it doesn't feel like that. Im down a lot in my self and just don't know what to think anymore. I know i just have to get on with my life and leave the past behind. For the people out there who hate there life's for the slightest things makes me sick because people like me have been through so much and ya just cant take your life for granted.

I am doing okay other than the mental part of it. I have been back iris dancing, im starting to drive and i have done a lot since i have been home. My family and friends keep me strong that's why i love them. My boyfriend has been amazing with me he is so good and i am so happy he has stook by me through this makes my heart smile. So i am quite happy but not really there yet. I do feel weak still but that's expected. I don't have to get chemo so that's good and im also getting rid of this bag in august so that's brilliant. So thats my story and thanks to Doctor Moran they got it all so that makes me even happier. A big thank you to all the doctors involved, my family for sticking by me and also my friends and of course my boyfriend. So we just move on from here and get on with my life :)

Friday, 13 April 2012

The News :D

Well i have gotten a hone call about the operation :D.. Kinda good news i suppose :D... So it will be a few weeks till i am brought in for it but i will be brought in as an out patient for a check up and i could be kept in for the operation or sent home till another day :/ .. A bit annoying really but at least ill be getting it :D.. I don't know how to feel about it i am so scared because i away from all my family and friends but i know its the right thing and the best option for me :)..  So that's all the news i have really got at the moment till i get a call.

I went to my godsons christening today and its was lovely he looked so cute :D.. I am staying strong i have broke down a few times but not much i do not think i realize to be honest i think i am just numb kinda :(..  I have a lot of things to keep me going for the next month so i cant wait for them.. I have all Ireland's this month and in May and then i have my amazing brothers wedding which i cannot wait for going to be so good :D... That's all the news i really have only for i am doing okay i am hanging in there and being strong and getting on with my life like i should :D... 

I always said cancer will never stop me living my life and i mean it :D... So thank you everyone for reading my blog and getting me into the 2 thousands means so much :D.. I will update everyone on when the operation is :D.. So for now goodbye..

Peace out :D.. Lots Of Love...

Lisa Bracken xxx

Friday, 6 April 2012

How i have felt bout what i have been threw?

There's no words to describe how you really feel when you hear you have the big C.... I don't think I have never cried as much in my life tbh.. I just kept thinking I was going to die.. :(.. I just tried my hardest to stay strong and keep a smile on my face but at the end of the day half of it was put on. I had to stay strong for everyone and not let them see me sad. I never forget the day I was up getting chemo and my friend was holding my bag and went to the toilet, and these 2 girls turned round and goes oh my god she has cancer haha... I was not one bit impressed when she told me like there is some cruel people out there its not even funny like. Because they think there perfect because there not sick. Where no different although I might feel it sometimes I ma really not. I am still the mad, bubbly and lovely Lisa except with a bad thing inside me.
I got over the hole fact I had cancer when I was 16 quite easily but it did take time. I just kept myself occupied and tried my hardest not too think of it. I still regret not finishing school because I cant get a good job but I couldn't stay as I was so sick and the cold wasn't a good help at all. The only thing I have really learned is never ever take life for granted and go for your dreams. I let so many go away and I hate myself for doing that. Everything will be okay and that's a fact. 
As for now what I found out I am heart broken just to do this all again and its not one bit fair.. But hay life is not fair is it. So I cant be complaining all I can do is hold my head high smile and get on with it and be strong for both me and my family. I got a phone call today from the james's and the news is I have to wait for England to ring to tell me when I can get it.. But it wont be for at least 2 weeks so I have to suffer with pain and plus be waiting for this call. Its actually annoying me so much but nothing much I can do its up to the docs... So I will update you as soon as I can. I just want to say thanks to all my family who have been there for me and my true friends, the doctors hospital and everything being so good to me and also the people who want to help me also.. Really appreciate it :D.. Love You :D... Peace out <3

Monday, 26 March 2012

My life is ruined forever

I haven't got a period since January so as any normal girl would think I AM PREGNANT. Wrong I had done loads of test all negative, so I was confused. I was complaining of back pain so went to my doctor to see if I had a kidney infection but it didn't say but I got antibiotics as was moving up to the north that Friday. That Wednesday I had a ct scan the usual to make sure everything was okay and they always ask are you pregnant and I said no but I didn't no even though the tests said I wasn't I could have been because it happens to people. I got my scan as normal and went on home but this time I had a feeling something was wrong and had for weeks I thought maybe my cancer is back as my stomach is swollen and I have some symptoms!! But then I said no couldn't be I am a year clear its all good. I went for my results that Friday the same day I was moving away I was so excited I wanted it for months. I went in to the doctor as usual and he asked me how I was feeling and I had said not well and told him about my period being late and my belly being big and swollen. He checked me over sat me down and told me I had spots on my ovaries. I cried so hard.
My normal doctor Dr Kennedy was called and asked where was my mam and dad and I explained they were gone for tea I wanted to come in by myself, worst decision ever. He told me I had a tumour in my pelvis. I cried so hard a nurse had to be called to calm me down. My parents were called and I told them they cried too it just isn't right.
He sent me for a pet scan last Wednesday to get a clearer picture to see how big and if it had spread. I didn't want this again no way.I went back that Friday were I walked in to my surgeon Dr P McCormick and Dr Kennedy. The reason I have back pain and I look pregnant and my tummy is hard is because I was diagnosed with secondary cancer :(. I now have a large tumour on each ovary. Its still classed as bowel cancer but its on my ovaries and YES I know its confusing but I cannot explain it any better.
I am waiting on word for an operation were I might have to go to England but I don't know when yet,hopefully soon please god. I will never get a period ever and can never have kids and I am only 18 and this is not right at all. My life is ruined I can never have a family of my own really. I no I can adopt but it doesn't feel the same. I will never have a normal life it will be hospital and and needles and all this and its not one but fair.
I don't want anybody taking there life for granted you don't know how lucky you people are. I just want a normal life I don't want to put my family through this again its not healthy. People always say i am so strong and the reason for it is I have to or else I would no cope. People say I am an inspiration but I don't know how but I will take the complement.
I will write another post when I get my operation and how it went but for now this is all I have. I hope you liked it and it made you look at your life in a different way and love it also <3

The worst day ever.

The day had arrived the day I never thought would happen to me. I was never men't to get this in my body or even cancer I always thought i wad tight but I was wrong. The saying is true bad things happen to good people. I arrived in the day ward an I went for bloods. They connected a line and tube to the port in my chest and drew blood it was disgusting. I headed down to the room where I was greeted by loads or nurses. I looked around and seen so many old people I was the youngest and I felt so weird being here. I got the steroids in me and then the chemo started. It felt fine was not as bad as I thought but I slept all day it made me so tired. I was woke up where the little bag was put on me it was the chemo in a bottle that was in a bad put around my waist with tubes everywhere. That stayed on me till the Friday. This all went on till that January and was so tiring on not just me my hole family. I had break downs everyday nearly I had to go to a phyciatrist and all. Its not a nice thing and would not wish it upon anybody in this world. I could never go out because it was too cold on my hands and face so was stook in all the time. I know I didn't have it hard as most people but to be 16 17 and getting this disease is not nice at all. I never wanted a sympathy vote off anyone but appreciated all the love and support I got. Unfortunately I could not finish school and do not have a leaving cert but here life goes on.
In January 2011 I had got a ct scan an had finally got good news the cancer was gone fore good i was in remission and could live my life. Unfortunately I had to go for regular scans but other wise i could live my life all I wanted :D.  I could never wish foe a better miracle.
My life went on like normal I met the most amazing boyfriend ever that i am still with today and that I love to bits. My sister had a baby who is my godson and I love with all my heart and my family don't have to hurt any more :D. 
Then a turn for the worst :( my brothers partner Dave's father passed away just before Christmas from cancer also. He was an amazing man always said I was his inspiration and I miss him dearly. He was so kind hearted and lovely father and husband. Every time I look at Dave I see him in a way I am happy but sad too because he didn't deserve to die he was so young. R.I.P Robbie gone but never ever forgotten :D xx

Just not able anymore

I wasn't long after my operation and it was 2 or 3 weeks till my 17th :D I got a letter the week i was out to go meet with Dr J Kennedy in the Oncology Heomotology day ward. I cannot remember the day I went up but I went up to meet with him anyway with the support of my aren't who have being amazing through all of it. He explained the type of chemo I would be put on which was called Fol fox and I would get four bags of steroids along with it and another drug called Evasten which helps it work better. The way I would get my chemo would be every second wee on a Wednesday where I would be in at one and get so many mills into me and then take a bag home with me till that Friday and get it disconnected and this would be every fortnight.
I had decided to get a port just on top of my right breast as you would not notice it as much as the line in your arm and you could shower with it and all. So I was scheduled to get the port in on the 14th of September which was done by local antistatic and a sedation so I was a bit sleepy but more like drunk :D. Then on the 15th was when I started the worst drug ever.
In the mean time leading up to that it was my birthday on the 10th and I had a party I tried me best for the few weeks that followed up to get chemo to enjoy it to the max. I had a brilliant night that night and took a while to recover and I was so grateful for that day.
The days past and past after that and i was just so down and upset in myself thinking I have cancer and ill never be normal again why me why?.. But no one could give me answers it just happened I was unlucky.
The 14th arrived eventually and i was so nervous I went to the x-ray room where they would fit the port in and lay on the bed. The started the sedation and out 3 injections in my neck and they were sore and I was so uneasy. I didn't want this :(. I never felt the cut but you felt terrible pressure as they pushed the line up my vein. I felt a lot of pain and was crying and coming in and out of sleep. I remember waking up in the room where you get you chemo and looking down and seeing this thing like a butterfly in my boobie.. I felt weird but it was the needle in it. I had to wait an hour before i could go home and all I did was sleep till the next morning.

It was all so fast.

That Thursday came before I knew it. As I arrived to see Dr McCormick he had a diagram of a bowel. He explained that I had a large tumour in my rectum just near the end of my bowel. He also said that it had being growing in me for a year or so and he does not know how I got it. It was so rare for a girl of my age to get that type of cancer. He promised that he would do his best to get rid of it or me and I trusted him. He explained that I would be getting key hole surgery and they would remove my appendix too as it looked like it had came from there. I was happy I was going to get rid of it at last. 
The next week on the Wednesday I was admitted to the hospital as my operation was early the next morning. I never slept a wink I was that worried and cried most of the night it was my first operation. I was so scared. The next morning took for ever to come. The nurse came in with  my blue gown and socks to put on, I looked lovely :D... I waited about an hour which felt like a year till I seen the bed outside to take me down. I walked over held back the tears as I said goodbye to my dad, brother Patrick and his partner Dave. My mother cam down with me.
As we waited in the little room to get my hat put on I could see the tears in my mothers eyes, It was heart breaking. I didn't want her to see me go through this. The nurse came over and said are you ready and a that moment me and my mother broke down in tears. My mother was meant to come to theatre with me but she was too upset she couldn't and that was devastating. I went into the room shivering with fear and all I remember was hearing the work horses and that's it .
I woke up in recovery with tubes and needles everywhere. I remember seeing my sister come in to me and all I said was give me my tongue bar. That day was a blur really.
For the next few days my family was up for ages to see me including my nanny I loved it and i had some laughs which made me forget a lot. I recovered quick I was walking after three days I think! I was a week in hospital and on the last day my consultant Dr McCormick who also did the surgery came into me and my family who were also there to talk and let me go home. But I was not expecting to hear what I did hear next. When he operated he found a few spots left over that he could not take away with surgery so he told me I would have to get chemotherapy. I cried like a baby we all did I thought it was over I didn't want to this I wanted it to stop I wanted my life back. 
I never wanted to get chemotherapy but it was going to happen whether I liked it or not. So I went home so sad and upset waiting for a letter to go meet with the chemotherapy doctor who's name is Dr J Kennedy.

I wasn't expecting this.

I remember after getting that call thinking "Well why do I have to go up there?". I got home and that night i was sitting in my room and said to my sister "What if they say I have cancer ill die". 
The morning cam and me, my mam, dad and sister began are journey to the hospital. We arrived and were called in straight away and as we walked to the room i got real hot a worried and we were greeted by Dr P McCormick and his secretary Delia. We talked for a minute as he asked me why I went to Portlaoise hospital and I explained. He brought me to the bed and was pushing down on my stomach. He told me to sit down as he washed his hands. He walked over he had a real worried look on his face. He turned to me I will never forget what he said to me till the day I die.
You don't have Crones disease, You don't have irritable bowel syndrome, you have CANCER. My stomach sank we all broke down in tears. I remember saying "What how can I I am only sixteen its not fair". He said i know its not and we do not know how you got it because you are so young. He left me , my mam, dad and sister for a few minutes to sink it in and all we did was cry in each others arms. I turned to me dad and said im going to die dad. He said no your not.
Dr McCormick came back in and explained that he would like me up next Thursday to talk about it and about an operation. I didn't even want talk but I said that's fine shook his hand and went. I went home and just had to sink it in and try be strong and wait till I had to go back up to hospital. I never cried as much in me life and I hated putting my family through it all.

I new there was something wrong.

I was sixteen years old and I was up in county down with all my friends having so  much fun. I was enjoying my teenage years. I remember ringing my mam one night crying because I was in a lot of pain. I came home the next day not myself at all. Me and my sister were crying as she new I wasn't myself. I went down to the doctors the next day and explained to her that i was getting really bad pains in my stomach and passing stool too much. I DEMANDED that I be sent to hospital because I new I wasn't right. I was brought over to hospital that night and my mam and dad came too. I was in accident and emergency waiting for hours as you usually would when I finally got called. They asked me all the normal question and of course I explained. The doctor did a few tests with my back passage and he found some blood then I got told I was being admitted. I cried so hard I didn't want to stay I hated hospitals. 
I was in hospital for for eight days. They fasted me for six days. The fourth day I was there they decided to do a colonoscopy. I had to drink a drink called pico lax that day and I will never forget the pain I went through when i drank that drink. It was clearing me out for the colonoscopy and I was in excruciating pain from three O clock that day till seven the next morning and all I could do was cry. I was discharged after eight days. 
I got a phone call that evening saying that I had a MRI scan the next day in Tullamore. So the next day came and I went to get my MRI, I didn't like that one bit it was terrifying. I was only home when i got a call from a girl called Delia who is a secretary in James's Hospital saying could I come up tomorrow to meet with a consultant called Dr P McCormick.....