Monday, 26 March 2012

My life is ruined forever

I haven't got a period since January so as any normal girl would think I AM PREGNANT. Wrong I had done loads of test all negative, so I was confused. I was complaining of back pain so went to my doctor to see if I had a kidney infection but it didn't say but I got antibiotics as was moving up to the north that Friday. That Wednesday I had a ct scan the usual to make sure everything was okay and they always ask are you pregnant and I said no but I didn't no even though the tests said I wasn't I could have been because it happens to people. I got my scan as normal and went on home but this time I had a feeling something was wrong and had for weeks I thought maybe my cancer is back as my stomach is swollen and I have some symptoms!! But then I said no couldn't be I am a year clear its all good. I went for my results that Friday the same day I was moving away I was so excited I wanted it for months. I went in to the doctor as usual and he asked me how I was feeling and I had said not well and told him about my period being late and my belly being big and swollen. He checked me over sat me down and told me I had spots on my ovaries. I cried so hard.
My normal doctor Dr Kennedy was called and asked where was my mam and dad and I explained they were gone for tea I wanted to come in by myself, worst decision ever. He told me I had a tumour in my pelvis. I cried so hard a nurse had to be called to calm me down. My parents were called and I told them they cried too it just isn't right.
He sent me for a pet scan last Wednesday to get a clearer picture to see how big and if it had spread. I didn't want this again no way.I went back that Friday were I walked in to my surgeon Dr P McCormick and Dr Kennedy. The reason I have back pain and I look pregnant and my tummy is hard is because I was diagnosed with secondary cancer :(. I now have a large tumour on each ovary. Its still classed as bowel cancer but its on my ovaries and YES I know its confusing but I cannot explain it any better.
I am waiting on word for an operation were I might have to go to England but I don't know when yet,hopefully soon please god. I will never get a period ever and can never have kids and I am only 18 and this is not right at all. My life is ruined I can never have a family of my own really. I no I can adopt but it doesn't feel the same. I will never have a normal life it will be hospital and and needles and all this and its not one but fair.
I don't want anybody taking there life for granted you don't know how lucky you people are. I just want a normal life I don't want to put my family through this again its not healthy. People always say i am so strong and the reason for it is I have to or else I would no cope. People say I am an inspiration but I don't know how but I will take the complement.
I will write another post when I get my operation and how it went but for now this is all I have. I hope you liked it and it made you look at your life in a different way and love it also <3

The worst day ever.

The day had arrived the day I never thought would happen to me. I was never men't to get this in my body or even cancer I always thought i wad tight but I was wrong. The saying is true bad things happen to good people. I arrived in the day ward an I went for bloods. They connected a line and tube to the port in my chest and drew blood it was disgusting. I headed down to the room where I was greeted by loads or nurses. I looked around and seen so many old people I was the youngest and I felt so weird being here. I got the steroids in me and then the chemo started. It felt fine was not as bad as I thought but I slept all day it made me so tired. I was woke up where the little bag was put on me it was the chemo in a bottle that was in a bad put around my waist with tubes everywhere. That stayed on me till the Friday. This all went on till that January and was so tiring on not just me my hole family. I had break downs everyday nearly I had to go to a phyciatrist and all. Its not a nice thing and would not wish it upon anybody in this world. I could never go out because it was too cold on my hands and face so was stook in all the time. I know I didn't have it hard as most people but to be 16 17 and getting this disease is not nice at all. I never wanted a sympathy vote off anyone but appreciated all the love and support I got. Unfortunately I could not finish school and do not have a leaving cert but here life goes on.
In January 2011 I had got a ct scan an had finally got good news the cancer was gone fore good i was in remission and could live my life. Unfortunately I had to go for regular scans but other wise i could live my life all I wanted :D.  I could never wish foe a better miracle.
My life went on like normal I met the most amazing boyfriend ever that i am still with today and that I love to bits. My sister had a baby who is my godson and I love with all my heart and my family don't have to hurt any more :D. 
Then a turn for the worst :( my brothers partner Dave's father passed away just before Christmas from cancer also. He was an amazing man always said I was his inspiration and I miss him dearly. He was so kind hearted and lovely father and husband. Every time I look at Dave I see him in a way I am happy but sad too because he didn't deserve to die he was so young. R.I.P Robbie gone but never ever forgotten :D xx

Just not able anymore

I wasn't long after my operation and it was 2 or 3 weeks till my 17th :D I got a letter the week i was out to go meet with Dr J Kennedy in the Oncology Heomotology day ward. I cannot remember the day I went up but I went up to meet with him anyway with the support of my aren't who have being amazing through all of it. He explained the type of chemo I would be put on which was called Fol fox and I would get four bags of steroids along with it and another drug called Evasten which helps it work better. The way I would get my chemo would be every second wee on a Wednesday where I would be in at one and get so many mills into me and then take a bag home with me till that Friday and get it disconnected and this would be every fortnight.
I had decided to get a port just on top of my right breast as you would not notice it as much as the line in your arm and you could shower with it and all. So I was scheduled to get the port in on the 14th of September which was done by local antistatic and a sedation so I was a bit sleepy but more like drunk :D. Then on the 15th was when I started the worst drug ever.
In the mean time leading up to that it was my birthday on the 10th and I had a party I tried me best for the few weeks that followed up to get chemo to enjoy it to the max. I had a brilliant night that night and took a while to recover and I was so grateful for that day.
The days past and past after that and i was just so down and upset in myself thinking I have cancer and ill never be normal again why me why?.. But no one could give me answers it just happened I was unlucky.
The 14th arrived eventually and i was so nervous I went to the x-ray room where they would fit the port in and lay on the bed. The started the sedation and out 3 injections in my neck and they were sore and I was so uneasy. I didn't want this :(. I never felt the cut but you felt terrible pressure as they pushed the line up my vein. I felt a lot of pain and was crying and coming in and out of sleep. I remember waking up in the room where you get you chemo and looking down and seeing this thing like a butterfly in my boobie.. I felt weird but it was the needle in it. I had to wait an hour before i could go home and all I did was sleep till the next morning.

It was all so fast.

That Thursday came before I knew it. As I arrived to see Dr McCormick he had a diagram of a bowel. He explained that I had a large tumour in my rectum just near the end of my bowel. He also said that it had being growing in me for a year or so and he does not know how I got it. It was so rare for a girl of my age to get that type of cancer. He promised that he would do his best to get rid of it or me and I trusted him. He explained that I would be getting key hole surgery and they would remove my appendix too as it looked like it had came from there. I was happy I was going to get rid of it at last. 
The next week on the Wednesday I was admitted to the hospital as my operation was early the next morning. I never slept a wink I was that worried and cried most of the night it was my first operation. I was so scared. The next morning took for ever to come. The nurse came in with  my blue gown and socks to put on, I looked lovely :D... I waited about an hour which felt like a year till I seen the bed outside to take me down. I walked over held back the tears as I said goodbye to my dad, brother Patrick and his partner Dave. My mother cam down with me.
As we waited in the little room to get my hat put on I could see the tears in my mothers eyes, It was heart breaking. I didn't want her to see me go through this. The nurse came over and said are you ready and a that moment me and my mother broke down in tears. My mother was meant to come to theatre with me but she was too upset she couldn't and that was devastating. I went into the room shivering with fear and all I remember was hearing the work horses and that's it .
I woke up in recovery with tubes and needles everywhere. I remember seeing my sister come in to me and all I said was give me my tongue bar. That day was a blur really.
For the next few days my family was up for ages to see me including my nanny I loved it and i had some laughs which made me forget a lot. I recovered quick I was walking after three days I think! I was a week in hospital and on the last day my consultant Dr McCormick who also did the surgery came into me and my family who were also there to talk and let me go home. But I was not expecting to hear what I did hear next. When he operated he found a few spots left over that he could not take away with surgery so he told me I would have to get chemotherapy. I cried like a baby we all did I thought it was over I didn't want to this I wanted it to stop I wanted my life back. 
I never wanted to get chemotherapy but it was going to happen whether I liked it or not. So I went home so sad and upset waiting for a letter to go meet with the chemotherapy doctor who's name is Dr J Kennedy.

I wasn't expecting this.

I remember after getting that call thinking "Well why do I have to go up there?". I got home and that night i was sitting in my room and said to my sister "What if they say I have cancer ill die". 
The morning cam and me, my mam, dad and sister began are journey to the hospital. We arrived and were called in straight away and as we walked to the room i got real hot a worried and we were greeted by Dr P McCormick and his secretary Delia. We talked for a minute as he asked me why I went to Portlaoise hospital and I explained. He brought me to the bed and was pushing down on my stomach. He told me to sit down as he washed his hands. He walked over he had a real worried look on his face. He turned to me I will never forget what he said to me till the day I die.
You don't have Crones disease, You don't have irritable bowel syndrome, you have CANCER. My stomach sank we all broke down in tears. I remember saying "What how can I I am only sixteen its not fair". He said i know its not and we do not know how you got it because you are so young. He left me , my mam, dad and sister for a few minutes to sink it in and all we did was cry in each others arms. I turned to me dad and said im going to die dad. He said no your not.
Dr McCormick came back in and explained that he would like me up next Thursday to talk about it and about an operation. I didn't even want talk but I said that's fine shook his hand and went. I went home and just had to sink it in and try be strong and wait till I had to go back up to hospital. I never cried as much in me life and I hated putting my family through it all.

I new there was something wrong.

I was sixteen years old and I was up in county down with all my friends having so  much fun. I was enjoying my teenage years. I remember ringing my mam one night crying because I was in a lot of pain. I came home the next day not myself at all. Me and my sister were crying as she new I wasn't myself. I went down to the doctors the next day and explained to her that i was getting really bad pains in my stomach and passing stool too much. I DEMANDED that I be sent to hospital because I new I wasn't right. I was brought over to hospital that night and my mam and dad came too. I was in accident and emergency waiting for hours as you usually would when I finally got called. They asked me all the normal question and of course I explained. The doctor did a few tests with my back passage and he found some blood then I got told I was being admitted. I cried so hard I didn't want to stay I hated hospitals. 
I was in hospital for for eight days. They fasted me for six days. The fourth day I was there they decided to do a colonoscopy. I had to drink a drink called pico lax that day and I will never forget the pain I went through when i drank that drink. It was clearing me out for the colonoscopy and I was in excruciating pain from three O clock that day till seven the next morning and all I could do was cry. I was discharged after eight days. 
I got a phone call that evening saying that I had a MRI scan the next day in Tullamore. So the next day came and I went to get my MRI, I didn't like that one bit it was terrifying. I was only home when i got a call from a girl called Delia who is a secretary in James's Hospital saying could I come up tomorrow to meet with a consultant called Dr P McCormick.....