Sunday, 2 June 2013

Do I Have A Future?

Hello my lovelies it has been so long.. I apologise  So i have so much to tell so lets get started :D. So after i last updated you things have been good and bad. I have been working really hard on my dancing and have won the north leinsters and placed 6th in the all Irelands  i am so proud of myself for achieving that. And i cant wait to get my costume soon also. Thats pretty mush all i have been doing and just spending time with my friends and boyfriend and family. When there is good things happening to me something bad always goes wrong and yes it has. So let me tell you.

It started again just before Christmas i was experiencing some back pain in the lower left side of my back. Me and my sister went over to a and e in portlaoise. They did a scan and bloods and the scan was normal but they said my bloods had a high inflammation level. i got told that i probably pulled a muscle. so i went on my life as normal although the pain was there for a week or two. Everything seemed to be fine with me i was starting to enjooy my life and could not wait for Christmas it was my godsons first proper Christmas and did i spoil him lol. After Christmas  was due my usually scan it was around late January  i wasn't nervous i actually felt good and hoped this would be clear too, but was i wrong. Early February i got my results and i wasn't expecting this.

I got told i had a large tumour in my lower back beside my kidney where i had the pain before. And a spot on my lung but they didn't know if it was cancer and fluid in my stomach. I just remember screaming crying sayin why me why me. Why does this keep happening you said it was gone it should be gone and never come back. This is my second time to relapse. Why was this happening to me its not fair i thought this was over. I had to start treatment straight away the next week so that the next Monday i had to go get a pic line in my arm, its an easy way to get chemo in me and it would stay for the length of my treatment. It wasn't bad getting in but i didn't like it being there because you had to wrap it up it couldn't get wet. Treatment started that Wednesday and i was on a high dose of chemo called folfuri and another drug called panatunamab. They work great at killing cancer i was told as mine was aggressive. :( The side effects to the chemo were diarrhoea and a rash from the other drug. The rash didnt start till my third treatment but the diarrhoea started the end of my first one and by god was it bad. i was never off the toilet and i was losing loads of weight and i just put it back on from being 6 and a half stone i was nearly seven before i started and i was dropping down to my previous weight quick. I didn't like the rash it was an acne rash but the spots wern't like normal spots they were just red and sore and my skin was so dry and itchy. I had to use special aveeno cream and body wash. But they didn't help. 

By my third treatment i had been in with a different nurse who told me i had spots on my hip and all over my pelvic bone and i would have to start a bone strengthener which had know known side effects. I was in shock why wasn't i told this at the start but my normal doc told me he isnt hear to tell me every small place there is a spot he is here to kill the large tumour and he will. He apologise i know he didn't mean know harm. Treatment wasn't so bad at the start apart from the diarrhoea and rash i had no pain and was able to keep dancing and all which is my dream. But as time went on i started to get real bad back pain and would be bed bound for a week after treatment. I was put on morphine tablets and all but they made me and still do make me feel weird and hallucinate. I don't like it. So i only take them when im real bad. I hate been in pain as i miss a week of dancing and i hate that its my life. And to this day a lot of people cant get over how i still dance. But i do it makes me happy and forget all that's happening to me.

I have just passed my 3 month mark of treatment and i had a scan and the tumour shrunk a bit but the rest is the same. There happy as they said it shouldn't have worked so quick. So that's a plus some good news. I have had to get my chemo reduced as the diarrhoea is so bad i cant leave the house sometimes but its settling down. The other drug i haven't got in a while as my skin had got bad but i don't mind not getting it as im a girl and i hate spots lol. But my da always says 'If there is no side effects then it wudnt be working'. I just recently got the port in and the pic put as i didn't like the pic, i cudnt swim or do nothing where as the port is under my skin and not that noticeable  Now that hurt going in and i had to be sedated a lot as i was crying.

I just recently had a chance to be on Midlands 103 again to tell my story which was amazing and i also am going to be in the Sun i hope lol. I dont know yet but i have been told i am so i don't know. I had a lovely women come out and take pictures and i felt like a model lol it was so fun. I cant wait for it to come out as i want people to know about bowel cancer more. Its not mentioned a lot. And all that is thanks to my sister Emma  My grandad got the all clear he is free and im so happy he deserves it. I miss pascal everyday and continue to talk to him and i know he is protecting me and so is robbie. I still dance and have a few feise's coming up and i hope to do well. I also moved up a grade which is good i am now a manghrad dancer. No easy steps any more :D I started a youtube channel doing beauty and fashion videos. Its lisabracken12. If you want to see it. It really helps me be happy and do what i love :D Im also going to Lourdes august so lets hope it works its magic. My brother is having a baby also so there is a lot of exciting stuff happening.

Thats basically what has been happening and i dont know what the future will hold. I just so hurt over this i dont deserve to fight this at all let alone 3 times. But i know god gave me this battle because im a fighter. I hate putting my family through this again but they are so good to me and are helpful, even when i do snap because of this stupid menopause i hate it. But its not my fault. My doctor told me i cant have surgery as it is just impossible to remove it. I dont know if thats because its so aggressive or just where it is. So that scares me but he told me if this chemo doesn't work we will try another one and another... Until maybe there's noting they can do which i pray it wont come to that. I dont want to die i have a lot to do and give on this earth. Lisa Bracken is not going to let this take her. 

I hope i have a future i want one of course. Im not saying im dying i just dont ever want to especially not from this c***t cancer. My boyfriend is hoping to get a house and i hope to move up someday. I have been talking a lot to my parents about adoption and i hope someday i can give a child a great life. I just want to live my life and for this to be the end i have been doing this since i was 16 and im just sick of it. If it goes and comes back again i don't know how ill cope as you can only have so much strength. And iv gave a lot of it lol. So i pray everyday this is the end. A few more months of treatment and that's me. But for now i can only dream. Dream to have a family one day, dream to one day win the worlds, and dream to kick cancers ass for good :D

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Whats going on now

So its been sometime since i have filled all u in so here its is. Its now 6 months since my operation. A few things have happened i have got my bag taking off there in august which i was so happy about.. I have been suffering ever since doh, I'm constantly on the toilet and i have lost some weight. I had put up weight prier to the reversal but sadly dropped to 6 stone.. ATM i dunno what i weight but cant be too much.

Unfortunitly I have been left with a big dint and scar in my side and i know its the least of my worries but Come on im a girl so sensitive about my body now and am struggling to cope. My boyfriend still love me for who i am and how i look but its hard to take it in. Apart from been on the toilet not a few good things and bad things have happened. My godson is finally crawling and talking a being a mad happy baby and i love him so so much. Me and kearney are still together getting on brilliant, I cudnt ask for a better boyfriend, we will be together 2 years in after December  He has been so good to me and helpful along with my whole family and friends. I have been still dancing have won lots of trophies and medals and have north leinsters in 3 weeks.. Super excited and hope to do well also. I started doing Avon to keep me busy and have also been doing YouTube to keep me busy as i cant do much with work wise. A lot of people will probably laugh and be like your weird but its for fun. I just talk about makeup hair all girlie stuff sing and also do tag videos and its a great way to interact with people. So them few things are keeping my mind at ease.. 

I'm still finding it hard to cope with it all because i never wanted this to happen. Kids for me is not  an option to experience birth in that way. It hurts to know if i am with Kearney forever well i hope and we want kids i cant do that and i feel like a loser and a let down. He always reassures me that it will be okay. Adoption and fostering is an option for me but at the moment i don't want to because i want my own baby i made. I know im still young but im longing for one knowing i cant have a baby... WEIRD i know...!! 

Other than that the worst possibly thing has happened in the last 2 months. My uncle by marriage sadly passed away from Bowel Cancer. He was quite young and shudnt of went. GOD ALWAYS TAKES THE BEST, a quote that is so true. I miss him everyday and i cant only imagine what mu auntie and cousins are going through. I know there strong and they have so much support. I hate how everyone i love is been taking away from me and it happened so quick. I love him dearly and miss him so much and he knows as im always talking to him and i know he is protecting me and not going to let anything happen to me... Hes my angel aswell as many others.. I love you dearly Pakie and you will never be forgotten. R.I.P. 

Apart from trying to cope with Pakie gone which is so hard as we were eachothers rock my auntie on my mums side has lung cancer. Although i was told mine was not in my family gene and it was pure back luck, a coincidence how she has it and it does not make sense. She is getting treatment and is tired but she will get there.. As they say TIME IS THE BEST HEALER, a quote i have been living bye for 3 years. Other than that there is not much to tell... I am in remission i will never get over what my life has been and what has been taking from me but only live with the fact and cry it out and know that its not my time to go yet. I don't think Pakie and Robbie want me up there quite yet.. Isn't that right guys :D 

I can only move forward in life and face the obstacles to come.. As long as i have Kearney, my family, friends the amazing support and my beautiful godson, I THINK ILL DO JUST FINE :D. 
For now that's whats life has been like.. I will post again soon but for now thanks so much for reading i appreciate it.. Please spread this around because i believe it can help a lot of people... 


      LISA XX

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

My operation and recovery

The operation and recovery

So its been 8 weeks since my operation. Yes i no time is flying bye. So let me take you back to what i remember and how i have felt through it and how i feel now.

On the 20Th of May i was admitted into Basingstoke hospital. They did the usual bloods, ECG etc. I had to drink a drink called picolax to clear me out for the operation. I was okay that day as it had not really sank in. The next day i woke up and as usual more bloods and scans and more of that horrible drink. It  hadn't sunk in yet that in 24 hours i will be going for a major operation. My mam and dad had came over from there apartment to me and keeping me company. I had spoke to the anesthesiology doctor and lots more about what would be happening to me the next day. They day was starting to draw to a close and i remember my niece Katelyn rang me and said to me i don't want you to be sick Lisa i will get my teacher to pray for you. That just broke my heart i cried so hard but on the other hand didn't want to upset my parents. I could not even say goodbye to my brother i was that badly crying. About 9 or so mam and dad left to go to bed as i had a n early start the next morning. I checked Facebook and seen all the comments saying good luck etc, that made me worse and then i got to talk to my boyfriend Christopher. I broke down to him and he reasurred me i will be fine. So i heading to sleep well saying that i didn't really sleep at all. 

The 22ND of May the operation day. Early start mam and dad were over at half five. Mam helped shower me as i couldn't really stand i was that sore. Time dragged on. Half seven came and as the nurse said you ready to walk down, we made our way down slowly. That had to be the most hardest scariest moment in my life. We got as far as the door and it was time to say goodbye. I looked at mam and dad and they broke down so i gave them a quick hug and went on as i was upset. I went into the anesthesia room and was put on the bed. He put a needle in my arm went through the form. Hooked me up to blood pressure etc. The last thing i remember was him saying Lisa im going to give you something to relax you and that was it. I was knocked out and in there care now to get rid of this terrible disease. The operation was 10 hours or more.

Three days passed and i woke up for a few minutes. I could hear all the nurses talking around me saying stuff about a bag on me and all and then i new they gave me a colostomy bag my worst fear in the world. I didn't know much about what they took or how it went as i was still half asleep. My mam and dad came in that evening and i heard dad saying we have to tell her about the bag she didn't want this and i new he was tearing up, I just turned around and said i already know holding back the tears. I told my mam and dad to go back home and relax as all i wanted to do was sleep. The first week is really a blur, there are a few things i remember like them pulling the epidural out, the drains out of my side out which was the worst feeling ever, doctors coming in and out asking questions and all,the nurses washing me and helping me out of bed, small things like that.

As the second week came i was brought to theater again to get new needles in my neck and the old ones out. I finally got off the oxygen and was getting out of the bed more got the tube out of my nose and other tubes out. I also was awake more and was taking oral tabs also so i was making good progress. My nurse Vicky was quite worried bout me as i had broke down to her during the week also about it all and how my belly looks and the bag etc. I was faded to noting i had lost so much weight i scared myself. Vicky said i wouldn't smile or make eye contact with anyone not even my parents. But what do you expect after what i went through. I eventually got the courage to start doing the bag myself which i hate so much and walking out of the room. The day my brother and his husband came over was the first time i smiled in 2 weeks i really loved them being there meant so much to me. I talked to my boyfriend for the first time that week also which was amazing.

I finally started to wonder about how the operation went even though i was told went great but what they had to take from me. I wish that day never came. I was told they took my ovaries, womb, Fallopian tubes, cervix, fatty tissue when they opened me, a bit of my small and large, yes i know that's a lot and the consequences that come with it are worse. I can never have my own family which tears me up everyday seeing how happy everyone is with there little families, although i know there's other options but for now its hard to deal with, im also going through the menopause which is wrong for anybody to go through at my age and im on hormone replacement tablets for the rest of my life. I have been hit with so much bad and upsetting news it so hard to deal with. I know things will just get better but at the moment it doesn't feel like that. Im down a lot in my self and just don't know what to think anymore. I know i just have to get on with my life and leave the past behind. For the people out there who hate there life's for the slightest things makes me sick because people like me have been through so much and ya just cant take your life for granted.

I am doing okay other than the mental part of it. I have been back iris dancing, im starting to drive and i have done a lot since i have been home. My family and friends keep me strong that's why i love them. My boyfriend has been amazing with me he is so good and i am so happy he has stook by me through this makes my heart smile. So i am quite happy but not really there yet. I do feel weak still but that's expected. I don't have to get chemo so that's good and im also getting rid of this bag in august so that's brilliant. So thats my story and thanks to Doctor Moran they got it all so that makes me even happier. A big thank you to all the doctors involved, my family for sticking by me and also my friends and of course my boyfriend. So we just move on from here and get on with my life :)

Friday, 13 April 2012

The News :D

Well i have gotten a hone call about the operation :D.. Kinda good news i suppose :D... So it will be a few weeks till i am brought in for it but i will be brought in as an out patient for a check up and i could be kept in for the operation or sent home till another day :/ .. A bit annoying really but at least ill be getting it :D.. I don't know how to feel about it i am so scared because i away from all my family and friends but i know its the right thing and the best option for me :)..  So that's all the news i have really got at the moment till i get a call.

I went to my godsons christening today and its was lovely he looked so cute :D.. I am staying strong i have broke down a few times but not much i do not think i realize to be honest i think i am just numb kinda :(..  I have a lot of things to keep me going for the next month so i cant wait for them.. I have all Ireland's this month and in May and then i have my amazing brothers wedding which i cannot wait for going to be so good :D... That's all the news i really have only for i am doing okay i am hanging in there and being strong and getting on with my life like i should :D... 

I always said cancer will never stop me living my life and i mean it :D... So thank you everyone for reading my blog and getting me into the 2 thousands means so much :D.. I will update everyone on when the operation is :D.. So for now goodbye..

Peace out :D.. Lots Of Love...

Lisa Bracken xxx

Friday, 6 April 2012

How i have felt bout what i have been threw?

There's no words to describe how you really feel when you hear you have the big C.... I don't think I have never cried as much in my life tbh.. I just kept thinking I was going to die.. :(.. I just tried my hardest to stay strong and keep a smile on my face but at the end of the day half of it was put on. I had to stay strong for everyone and not let them see me sad. I never forget the day I was up getting chemo and my friend was holding my bag and went to the toilet, and these 2 girls turned round and goes oh my god she has cancer haha... I was not one bit impressed when she told me like there is some cruel people out there its not even funny like. Because they think there perfect because there not sick. Where no different although I might feel it sometimes I ma really not. I am still the mad, bubbly and lovely Lisa except with a bad thing inside me.
I got over the hole fact I had cancer when I was 16 quite easily but it did take time. I just kept myself occupied and tried my hardest not too think of it. I still regret not finishing school because I cant get a good job but I couldn't stay as I was so sick and the cold wasn't a good help at all. The only thing I have really learned is never ever take life for granted and go for your dreams. I let so many go away and I hate myself for doing that. Everything will be okay and that's a fact. 
As for now what I found out I am heart broken just to do this all again and its not one bit fair.. But hay life is not fair is it. So I cant be complaining all I can do is hold my head high smile and get on with it and be strong for both me and my family. I got a phone call today from the james's and the news is I have to wait for England to ring to tell me when I can get it.. But it wont be for at least 2 weeks so I have to suffer with pain and plus be waiting for this call. Its actually annoying me so much but nothing much I can do its up to the docs... So I will update you as soon as I can. I just want to say thanks to all my family who have been there for me and my true friends, the doctors hospital and everything being so good to me and also the people who want to help me also.. Really appreciate it :D.. Love You :D... Peace out <3

Monday, 26 March 2012

My life is ruined forever

I haven't got a period since January so as any normal girl would think I AM PREGNANT. Wrong I had done loads of test all negative, so I was confused. I was complaining of back pain so went to my doctor to see if I had a kidney infection but it didn't say but I got antibiotics as was moving up to the north that Friday. That Wednesday I had a ct scan the usual to make sure everything was okay and they always ask are you pregnant and I said no but I didn't no even though the tests said I wasn't I could have been because it happens to people. I got my scan as normal and went on home but this time I had a feeling something was wrong and had for weeks I thought maybe my cancer is back as my stomach is swollen and I have some symptoms!! But then I said no couldn't be I am a year clear its all good. I went for my results that Friday the same day I was moving away I was so excited I wanted it for months. I went in to the doctor as usual and he asked me how I was feeling and I had said not well and told him about my period being late and my belly being big and swollen. He checked me over sat me down and told me I had spots on my ovaries. I cried so hard.
My normal doctor Dr Kennedy was called and asked where was my mam and dad and I explained they were gone for tea I wanted to come in by myself, worst decision ever. He told me I had a tumour in my pelvis. I cried so hard a nurse had to be called to calm me down. My parents were called and I told them they cried too it just isn't right.
He sent me for a pet scan last Wednesday to get a clearer picture to see how big and if it had spread. I didn't want this again no way.I went back that Friday were I walked in to my surgeon Dr P McCormick and Dr Kennedy. The reason I have back pain and I look pregnant and my tummy is hard is because I was diagnosed with secondary cancer :(. I now have a large tumour on each ovary. Its still classed as bowel cancer but its on my ovaries and YES I know its confusing but I cannot explain it any better.
I am waiting on word for an operation were I might have to go to England but I don't know when yet,hopefully soon please god. I will never get a period ever and can never have kids and I am only 18 and this is not right at all. My life is ruined I can never have a family of my own really. I no I can adopt but it doesn't feel the same. I will never have a normal life it will be hospital and and needles and all this and its not one but fair.
I don't want anybody taking there life for granted you don't know how lucky you people are. I just want a normal life I don't want to put my family through this again its not healthy. People always say i am so strong and the reason for it is I have to or else I would no cope. People say I am an inspiration but I don't know how but I will take the complement.
I will write another post when I get my operation and how it went but for now this is all I have. I hope you liked it and it made you look at your life in a different way and love it also <3